When you look at Knapp's Relationship Model, it's almost like watching a great movie. It builds you up in the first 5 stages with happiness and joy and you are excited for the happy ending. Then the last 5 stages come into play and your left blubbering like a child who just watched The Fox and the Hound for the first time.
On a side note, everyone should watch this movie in my opinion. It is such a great movie for explaining friendships and the process of losing a friend as well as getting a good cry in. If you still aren't sure, check out these Reviews for yourself. I mean, just look at those two above and tell yourself that this movie won't be good. Alright, back to the main point.
I look back on my last relationship, well my only other serious one besides the one I am currently in, and I wonder which one of the stages in Knapp's Model where I felt like the relationship spent much of its time in. I came up with either stage 5, Bonding, which is a good stage to be in, or stage 9, Avoidance. I will actually focus on the Avoidance stage because I believe that's where most of the damage and hurt from both parties came from. And looking back, I also realize how much online communication effect this relationship.
So, my ex, who I will call Shelly, and myself had been in a committed relationship for about 3 years when we entered the Avoidance stage. We had already established our own spaces and gotten into ruts on daily routines and greetings, but it wasn't until we both started actively avoiding each other did we realize that the relationship was over basically. I started realizing that we did not see each other on regular basis. And by that, I mean, we saw each other during the week and spent the nights reading or watching tv together, but when it came to going out in public and interacting with friends and family, we were always separate. I would hang out with a group of friends, and she would hang out with a separate group. It should be known as well that we actually shared a group of friends, and somehow, without communicating this, we started sharing the group every other weekend. Shelly and I were so stuck in our ruts and this habit of avoiding big conversations that I hadn't realized that we had essentially become a split-family who shared their friends. I also started to realize that we both were posting images and messages on social media about who we were hanging out with and hoping the other one would see it. I also realized later that we only communicated through cell phones for 90% of the relationship at the end. Anytime one of us got up from the couch or chair, the other would then text and ask for something, like a drink or food. We had started to avoid complete physical interactions.
The end came after about a year of both of us going through this routine. Shelly was the one who actually realized just how unhealthy it was for both of us. She broke up with me in the most emo way possible, by leaving a CD in my truck with the same song on it. (In all seriousness, we both agree now that our relationship was basically a Fallout Boy album with its highs and lows and the ridiculous ways, we thought we were being cool yet original.) We were young and thought we knew everything so throughout the final 2 years of our relationship when friends and family on both sides stated their opinions, we ignored them. While ignoring them, we ignored each other as well. We were separated emotionally and mentally, yet physically we still clung to each other 5 days a week.
It has taken years for Shelly and me to actually be friendly again. We both realize that the relationship was over long before it was actually terminated, but we stayed in that Avoidance stage for so long, that it built up resentment and honestly, probably a bit of hatred. We are both now it great and healthy relationships. But the effects of that previous relationship still linger. I still do not look at other people's social media because of all the intense feelings I had while posting and looking at Shelly's posts. That might be the biggest hump that I cannot get over. For me, there was just too much negativity associated with Facebook. I do wish I had listened to friends and family when they had spoken up. Or that I had known and understood Knapp's Relationship Model and could have realized what stage we were in. I do not have regret that the relationship ended, but the fact we stayed in Avoidance for a year is a regret. It is something that I believe everyone should avoid. I included this video below because I wish I had understood at the time how to get over a relationship and I think that Mr. Pascale-Leone does a great job at explaining that process.
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